Currently Listening I Might Be Wrong: Live Recordings By Radiohead see related

While you make pretty speeches. Well. I'm back. I guess.

I'm being cut to shreds. It's funny to read through these posts, especially the last one. To see how far away my life is from what it was, and yet, how it touches on each of those points, like a helix curving back on itself, I see times where my life would intersect. Is this just another link in the chain?

You feed me to the lions. I'd like to think I'm a more secure person, a more able person. I think that was the child in me making his last stand.  And I've driven him too deep to actually have a voice. So now I'm just ruled by the emotional instability that plagued the child.

A delicate balance. Sure I put up a good front, but deep down inside, I am an emotionally starved attention whore. It is the absolutely the most shameful thing I think I can ever admit to. I crave attention. And I will stoop to a lot of things to get it.

When this just feels like Spinning Plates. I know it's a problem, and I know I need to address it now, and ultimately, I know where it stems and how to stop it, because I've done it before. But it's a drug. And it's my drug, to know I'm worth something. But if I don't do something about it...

I'm living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. I will end up draining every one I care about for every ounce of interest they're willing to offer. And I'm thinking I really don't want that.

My body's floating down the muddy river. I don't know if I need to resolve these things before I start traveling down this road again. I hurt someone, someone I thought I knew. And I really really don't want to hurt anyone else.

The helix bends back on itself.

Currently Listening Grace By Jeff Buckley see related

Wouldn't need no mojo pin, to keep me satisfied.

Don't want to weep for you, don't want to know.

So I'm updating, but I have nothing to say about that. So this is me updating because I have more xangas than I can keep track of. Just making the rounds.

But for real. I guess I'll talk. Life hasn't been the same since New Years, I think. It was like.... it was like I discovered a new color. Magenta or a shade of blue gray, and then I placed everything under a glass with that color filtering and somehow saw the same things differently now.

It's like the TV show that comes back and all the characters have changed their look. And it's not really noticeable until you see older reruns. And while I'm not sure if it's all in my head or not, it definitely feels different all around, dramatically (as I'm known for that anyway) but not like this. This feels so different. And in some small ways, I feel different too.

And I have a dilemma I think. I only mention it here because the person in this dilemma is one of the few that reads this. I have discovered one of my friends, and it's not like a weird thing, but just something that I never noticed before or something they've grown to be over time, but it fascinates me. It complicates things that this person is a girl, and an attractive one at that, so I don't want that to be misunderstood as a fixation. But this person, this girl is one of the few people that can send me off on mental and emotional tangents in writing that I usually don't get at all just sitting around thinking about stuff. It's like a key into an aspect of what I can do that I can't do just off the top of my head.

So here's my dilemma, because I don't want it to be misconstrued as something that it's not. I want to hang out with her more, but I don't know how she takes that, so I try to leave it be. But I don't want to, I'd much rather have philosophical conversations and pick her brain on subjects because it's just a unique viewpoint and never ceases to amaze me. I'd much rather get to be a better friend with her, get to understand her like I have been, but I guess I've been too afraid of what would be thought of saying that.

So I'm writing this open letter, more of a statement than a question. And I hope she reads it.

I find it a damn shame that people can't see past the fact that I swear. A lot. I stopped hearing cussing long before I started. I dunno if I'm desensitized or rather we in this generation actually listen to what's being said instead of the way people say it. Maybe? Nah.

I am trying to learn how to listen instead of just waiting for my turn to talk. I know it's an old thought from an old movie, but it never gets old to me. It's a constant idea in my head. It's meekness, listening, it's an expression of caring. I want to enjoy people like I enjoy a good book. I want to be the nice guy. I want... I want... I want... I want to be free from anger. Yes I'm angry, somewhat by nature, somewhat by circumstance. I'm too afraid to express it. The last time I really expressed my anger and rage, I was 7. I broke a 12 yr old boy's collarbone for throwing dirt at me. I haven't talked about in so long, I almost forget. I want to learn love in a way I've never understood it. I want to express a love despite how it's received and despite how people treat me. I know it's very elementary, but it's where I am.

I guess this is the xanga for the softer Jeff.

A strange thing happens around 18 in a young man's life. At least, this has happened in mine. I've noticed for the past 2 years I have had an increasingly strained relationship with my father. The reasons have varied, from political and social standpoints, to what I'm doing (or rather not doing) with my life. But ultimately, it is our similarities that drive us apart.

I really don't know why I'm talking about this, maybe the expectation and desire to move out has grown stronger, and with the possibility of it coming soon, my heart cries out with anger and displeasure. Or maybe I'm just tired and nuts. I try too hard; I hate that. With friends, with my job, with girls, with life. I just try too hard sometimes.